Rita Coolidge explained in an interview she met a young woman who was adopted and the result of their meeting was this song…. beautiful song…tragic, too…
An exciting blog about all things adoptee-related - in particular American Indian adoptees who are called Lost Children, Lost Birds, Lost Ones and Split Feathers. This blog is updated regularly by journalist-adoptee Trace A. DeMeyer, author of ONE SMALL SACRIFICE: A Memoir and the new book TWO WORLDS: Lost Children of the Indian Adoption Projects with Patricia Berdan Cotter-Busbee. The only way we can change history is to write it ourselves.....and the truth shall set us free...
Reference Material
- Split Feathers Study
- Adoption History
- Bibliography
- Canada Timeline
- Survivor Not Victim (my interview with Von)
- Interview with Land of Gazillion Adoptees
- Interviews 2011
- NEW: Study by Jeannine Carriere (First Nations) (2007)
- Adoptee Rights Infograph
- 2013 Readings/Talks
- Adopt an Elder: Ellowyn Locke (Oglala Lakota)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
i have no indian name
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Monday, January 2, 2012
Minnesota's Healing Spirits
Healing Native Spirits in MN Long-Term Foster Care
MINNEAPOLIS - A unique program in south Minneapolis is finding success helping American Indian boys in long-term foster care. The director of the Healing Spirit program for boys, Kirk Crow Shoe, says the group home they operate takes in teens with a history of running away, skipping school and runs-ins with police. Many have been placed in multiple foster-care situations without success.
"They go into these homes and they're not making it. They're not connecting; they're not getting their needs met, so then they go back to the emergency shelter. They wait for yet another placement; they go to another placement, then they disrupt from that placement. Healing Spirit was developed as an answer to this particular problem."
At Healing Spirit, Crow Shoe explains, the focus is not just on school and living skills, but also on the sacred Native American culture, which he calls a significant part of helping the kids believe in themselves.
What makes Healing Spirit effective, Crow Shoe says, is that the teen boys are overseen by staff members who share the same Native American background.
"Many of them have been in long-term foster care themselves. They struggled greatly in their upbringings, and as adults they have the heart to give back to the community. The kids know that they've been in their shoes, as well, so there's an immediate sense of respect that's paid to one another in that relationship."
It is key for the troubled teens to connect with their culture and community and feel a sense of family - particularly in a system in which they've been shuffled from one place to another, Crow Shoe adds.
"These kids, after a period of time, they feel like they're throwaways and they're very broken kids. Because we understand that and because many of us have lived that life, they know that we are going to be more patient, more generous - and we're not going to give up on them quite so easily."
Since Healing Spirit was founded in 2003, the average length of stay has grown to around 2.5 years, and most boys now stay until they "age out." Crow Shoe says with that success, the program has generated interest from across the country.
"Because we have done as well as we have over the years, there are other communities that are interested in what we're doing; and as such, we then shared our model at the National Indian Child Welfare Act conferences."
A similar foster home for girls opens in south Minneapolis in January. American Indians make up just over one-percent of Minnesota's population, but account for 12 percent of the children in the state foster care system.
More information is available at http://diw.gmcc.org/programs.php.
Public News Service - MN » December , 2011
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Sunday, January 1, 2012
Russell Means on THE BIG LIES
You will hear lots on this clip! How reservations came to be...land in trust...assimilation....the big lies....
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Guest Column: Johnathan Brooks JOINING THE DOTS
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| http://www.spiritbearcoaching.com/ |
Joining The Dots:
The Spiritual Purpose of My Life
It has become popular in counselling for clients to be encouraged to write their story and so come to recognise how detrimental experiences can be used as opportunities for living life to the full. In a sense this could be called allowing oneself to move into new situations, places or environments where this can happen.
I believe adoption and fostering offers a unique opportunity for adopter and adoptee for personal growth and the healing of the wounds we all carry, and may have to re-experience several times in order to except the wisdom of their lesson and move on. Before we are born our spirit/soul chooses the particular set of circumstances and the environment that will give us the greatest opportunity for growth into self responsible adult instead of remaining a victim.
When we are born we are totally dependent on others, but if we are unable to bond with a parent or nurturing figure with any degree of closeness, we may find it difficult to become self reliant and free to create a life of our own.
We may allow the values of others and the culture to dictate the patterns of our lives and try to fit in, or equally restricting, being constantly at war with that culture instead of freeing ourselves to fulfil the reason for incarnation.
In my own case I can now look back and recognise certain significant sets of circumstances that have led to being able to heal sum of my earlier wounding. My birth mother was a Native American of the Cree tribe which was not compatible with my birth fathers Northern Cheyenne. The Catholic Church arranged for my adoption after a few months old by an American Jewish man and Austrian/German then Protestant wife, at least four different types of cultural influences.
This was at a time when it was popular to adopt little Vietnamese orphans and babies from countries where America had been involved in destructive wars. While I was not from the Far East it could be said that White Americans had progressively destroyed my birth parents culture. I was never able to bond with my adopted mother, nor do I feel she was able to nurture me in any way. I felt very unclear who I was, felt deeply insecure, and separate from those around me. It is I think significant that when I married it was to a South Korean girl who was also adopted as a very young child and also had problems with bonding.
As I see it now part of my life task is to heal the wounds inflicted on First Nation peoples through myself as a First Nation individual and learn to recognise the Unity of Humanity, we are not separate.
The next significant event was when at age five my adopted parents moved from the USA to England. I was eventually sent to a Steiner school where both teachers and pupils were multi-national so being one of two Native Americans there was no big deal about my race. However, by this time I had become so inhibited and unable to express or be myself in any way to my adopted mother I was considered a bit slow and unresponsive. In fact, I still felt lonely, imprisoned and separate from the love of anyone who understood me, and I believe I was re-living a prison like isolation experience when the Cheyenne’s were split into two and vanished from their tribal grounds.When I was later able to find my birth parents and was enrolled as a Northern Cheyenne I achieved a healing sense of belonging, and a cultural philosophy with which I could resonate. I began to feel who I was.
However, before this took place I was sent to live with foster parents during term time. These were an Austrian/Australian and his English wife together with their son who was in the same class at school, and was four days older than myself.
This son’s name was John to my Johnathan in a sense we were like dissimilar twins finding each other after a long separation. My foster parents never regarded me as anything but a welcome second son, and frequently said “How lucky we are to have two such good boys” and missed me when I was away.
My foster mother regarded the extraordinary world-wide travelling experiences on both our parts that had brought us all together as a sign of a beneficent and supportive universe, pointing to the fulfilment of the cosmic plan for Humanity. To Unify everything and return to Source through the magnetism of Love.
It was my foster mother who discovered I was Dyslexic. Dealing with this problem and wound led to me studying acting and later to become a NLP Master Practitioner. So a wound became an asset.
I remained with these foster parents for over 18 years before moving to London and training and working in several jobs which while I did not find particularly satisfying at the time were all useful in helping me on my way to a recognition of my sacred contract as Caroline Myss puts it [www.myss.com].
A greater understanding of this contract was given me by a tribal elder when I was working in a home for under privileged children on the Northern Cheyenne reservation. He remarked on the number of mothers I had, had. I slowly began to realize the importance of mothering, of grounding, of security on Mother Earth and bonding of all humanity.
During the summer of 1985, I had been given the Right to build and lead sweats in England by the Northern Cheyenne Sacred Hat Keeper, he’s a bit like the Pope. When I got back, I built a sweat lodge in the garden and invited my foster brother to our first sweat not knowing that the covering of this place of purification creates feeling of returning to the dark womb of Mother Earth, where we can safely release all the negative conditionings we have acquired and re-emerge re-born. I was, much later, to understand the value of ritual for impressing our minds in a learning/healing process.
A further opportunity to develop the theme of mothering, security and bonding when my daughter was born, at the same time of night on the same date as my foster mother 81 years before.
Circumstances arose that it became necessary/convenient for me to become a full time house father while still seeing clients. This has made me more and more conscious of the feminine, nurturing life and each person’s uniqueness while the male role is to encourage and give support for change and progress.
When Father Sky and Mother Earth unite, life can become an adventure, instead of something to be endured while every wound is seen as a valuable sign post and opportunity for becoming Whole or Healed.
In A Nutshell:
I feel my sacred contract is to help others recognise their legitimate and unfulfilled needs or wounds as the reverse of the positive qualities they are here to manifest.
Life is a paradox and unless we are able to recognise both opposite poles in ourselves we cannot make life meaningful, adventurous or creatively joyous. If we do not achieve this recognition or healing we will pass the problem onto the next generation.
This is a particular time of a return to the Great Mother.
‘Walk in Peace;
Walk in Beauty.’
Johnathan
Johnathan Brooks, PG Dip, MAC, CBT, MNLP, EFT is a Cognitive Behavioural Coach who has trained in a wide range of treatment methods including the “Power Therapies” (CBT Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (post grad), EFT Emotional Freedom Technique, Master NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming) and has a Post Graduate Diploma in ‘Coaching and NLP’ - passed with a ‘Commendation’ from Kingston University.
Is a registered Gold member of The Professional Guild of NLP and is a full member of the Association for Coaching UK.
Thank you Johnathan for starting us out in 2012 with beauty, wisdom and inspiration! Trace
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Wednesday, December 21, 2011
2nd Edition One Small Sacrifice.wmv
Now on Kindle!
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Monday, December 19, 2011
ONE SMALL SACRIFICE 2nd Edition coming soon
I have retired the first edition of One Small Sacrifice and will no longer be using Lulu.com. (Your 1st Edition paperbacks will be collector's items!)
The Kindle version of the 2nd edition of One Small Sacrifice: A Memoir (Lost Children of the Indian Adoption Projects) should be up in a few days.
The book will also be uploaded to Nook on Barnes and Noble in January.
The new paperback will be available in January 2012 on Amazon.com using Create Space on Amazon.com! This is better!
The 2nd Edition has been reformatted with chapters and additional writing.
If you want to read it, let me know via email: tracedemeyer@yahoo.com and I will be happy to email you the pdf to read on your computer - the pdf can also be uploaded into your e-readers, too. My gift is available to anyone who requests it... Happy 2012!!! Share this news with your friends...
I will also be selling the paperback here in January...
Look for more ebooks and paperbacks from Blue Hand Books in 2012!
The Kindle version of the 2nd edition of One Small Sacrifice: A Memoir (Lost Children of the Indian Adoption Projects) should be up in a few days.
The book will also be uploaded to Nook on Barnes and Noble in January.
The new paperback will be available in January 2012 on Amazon.com using Create Space on Amazon.com! This is better!
The 2nd Edition has been reformatted with chapters and additional writing.
If you want to read it, let me know via email: tracedemeyer@yahoo.com and I will be happy to email you the pdf to read on your computer - the pdf can also be uploaded into your e-readers, too. My gift is available to anyone who requests it... Happy 2012!!! Share this news with your friends...
I will also be selling the paperback here in January...
Look for more ebooks and paperbacks from Blue Hand Books in 2012!
| Thoughts, Reactions: |
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
More than that! Indian Country responds to Diane Sawyer
Students respond to ABC's "Children of the Plains"
Reminded me of this quote from Adam Sings in the Timber: "It often seems as if America has only two frames through which to view its Native culture: ceremony and pageantry or poverty and addiction."
There's a lot of power when we get to represent ourselves.
Youtube: More Than That
Posted: 13 Dec 2011 10:02 AM PST
"I know what you probably think of us...we saw the special too. Maybe you saw a picture, or read an article. But we want you to know, we're more than that...We have so much more than poverty."
I know many of you saw the Diane Sawyer 20/20 special "Children of the Plains," and I let it pass by without much comment on the blog. I had plenty to say, but I knew a lot of folks from the community, and some of my friends, thought it was great--so I let it go, and didn't think it was really my place to barge in with my super-critical lens on the whole thing.
But some awesome kids from Pine Ridge put together this short, but powerful video in response to the special, which I love:
But some awesome kids from Pine Ridge put together this short, but powerful video in response to the special, which I love:
Reminded me of this quote from Adam Sings in the Timber: "It often seems as if America has only two frames through which to view its Native culture: ceremony and pageantry or poverty and addiction."
There's a lot of power when we get to represent ourselves.
Youtube: More Than That
Send this video around the globe... SHARE
If you're interested in some of the criticisms of the special:
Indian Country Today: Children of the Plains was little more than "Poverty Porn"
The actual special:
ABC 20/20: "Hidden America: Children of the Plains"
Earlier:
Between Pageantry and Poverty: Representing Ourselves
If you're interested in some of the criticisms of the special:
Indian Country Today: Children of the Plains was little more than "Poverty Porn"
The actual special:
ABC 20/20: "Hidden America: Children of the Plains"
Earlier:
Between Pageantry and Poverty: Representing Ourselves
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Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Indian Country Today coverage
Exposing and Repairing the Devastation Caused by the Indian Adoption Project



I’m an angry Indian,” Roger St. John, Sisseton Wahpeton Oyate, told the First Nations Repatriation Institute’s second annual adult adoptees summit. The elite panel included child-welfare specialists, judges, lawyers, community activists and scholars. The most important experts, according to the organization’s founder/director, Sandra White Hawk, Rosebud Sioux Tribe, were adult adoptees—such as St. John—who related their experiences at the three-day meeting at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cities in St. Paul.
“I’m more than glad to tell you I’m pissed off,” continued St. John, a 49-year-old truck driver with dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. “I was the youngest of 16 children, grabbed at the age of 4, along with three older brothers—no paperwork, nothing. The other kids in the family escaped because they took off.” Soon, St. John and his siblings ended up in New York City at Thanksgiving time. The year was 1966: “We were on the front page of the newspaper, along with lots of good talk about the holiday and adoption. We were brought up without our culture, which took a terrible toll on our lives. I grew up angry and miserable.”
St. John’s experience was replicated all over Indian country in the mid-to-late 20th century. The boarding-school era that had begun in the late 1800s was winding down and the abusive residential schools set up to isolate and assimilate Native children were being closed down or turned over to the tribes, a process that was largely completed by the 1970s. Meanwhile, another means of separating Native children from their communities was gathering steam.
The Indian Adoption Project was a federal program that acquired Indian children from 1958 to 1967 with the help of the prestigious Child Welfare League of America; a successor organization, the Adoption Resource Exchange of North America, functioned from 1966 until the early 1970s. Churches were also involved. In the Southwest, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints took thousands of Navajo children to live in Mormon homes and work on Mormon farms, and the Catholic Church and other Christian denominations swept many more Indian youngsters into residential institutions they ran nationwide, from which some children were then fostered or adopted out. As many as one third of Indian children were separated from their families between 1941 and 1967, according to a 1976 report by the Association on American Indian Affairs.
“People have heard of the boarding-school era and know it was bad, but they don’t know our adoption era even exists,” said White Hawk, who was taken from her family on the Rosebud reservation as a toddler in the mid-1950s. “A few small studies of adult adoptees have been done, and we’re just learning how to talk about what happened. We need think tanks and conferences and scientific research to explore what occurred and how it affected us.”
Then, White Hawk said, that information can inform current Indian child-welfare cases. “When experts take the stand to testify in a child-welfare hearing [about placement of a child or termination of parental rights, for example], they need academic backup to explain the relationship between, for example, suicide and being disconnected from your culture,” she explained. “The courts want Ph.D.-level research to back up what we tell them.”
A paper by Carol Locust, Cherokee, describes Native adoptees suffering from what she calls Split Feather Syndrome—the damage caused by loss of tribal identity and growing up “different” in an inhospitable world. Lost Bird is another term researchers have used to refer to the group, recalling one of the earliest Indian adoptees. A Lakota infant who survived the 1890 massacre at Wounded Knee sheltered by the frozen corpse of her mother was claimed as a war trophy by a general who named her Lost Bird, according to her biographer, Renée Sansome Flood in Lost Bird of Wounded Knee.
Thanks to copious newspaper coverage of the massacre and its aftermath, Lost Bird became her generation’s celebrity adoptee, but fame did not save her from a fate that was a harbinger for too many Native children. She endured intolerance and isolation, and when she rebelled as a teenager, was shipped back to her birth family, where she no longer fit in. After a stint in Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show and the loss of three children—two died and she gave away the third, according to Flood—Lost Bird was felled by influenza in 1920, at the age of 30. “Throughout her life of prejudice, exploitation, poverty, misunderstanding and disease, she never gave up hope that one day she would find out where she really belonged,” Flood wrote.
At the summits and other events White Hawk has organized or spoken at since 2003, modern-day adoptees have recounted their dramatic life journeys, sometimes for the first time. “The stories vary from the most abusive to the most beautiful, but that’s not the point,” she said. “Even in loving families, Native adoptees live without a sense of who they are. Love doesn’t provide identity.”
“I never felt sorry for myself,” said St. John, “but if I ever got hurt, it wounded me to my soul, because I felt no one was there for me.” In recent years, he has found his birth mother and connected emotionally with his adoptive parents. “They were so young, in their 20s, when a priest convinced them to adopt four Sioux boys from South Dakota. It was too much—for all of us.”
During the adoption era almost any issue—from minor to serious—could precipitate the loss of an Indian child. Two Native people interviewed prior to the summit said they were separated from their families after hospital stays as young children, one for a rash, the other for tuberculosis. A third was seized at his baby-sitter’s home; when his mother tried to rescue him, she was jailed, he said. A fourth recalled that he was taken after his father died, though his mother did not want to give him up. A fifth described being snatched, along with siblings, because his grandfather was a medicine man who wouldn’t give up his traditional ways. As in St. John’s case, no home studies or comparable investigations appear to have been done to support the removals. “Indians had no way to stop white people from taking their kids,” said yet another interviewee. “We had no rights.”
Eighty-five percent of the Native children removed from their families from 1941 to 1967 were placed in non-Indian homes or institutions, said the Association on American Indian Affairs report. The aim, said White Hawk, was assimilation and extinction of the tribes as entities, as their younger generations were removed, year after year—just as it had been with the boarding schools.
“We can’t be afraid to use words like genocide,” said summit participant Anita Fineday, White Earth Band of Ojibwe, managing director of Casey Family Programs’ Indian child-welfare programs and a former chief judge at White Earth Tribal Nation. “The endgame, the official federal policy, was that the tribes wouldn’t exist.”
As Native adoptees struggle to recover their identities, some have trouble accessing their original birth certificates. Many states seal adoption records to protect the confidentiality of the process. “In a state that does this, you have to be a detective to find out where you’re from,” said White Hawk.
Or lucky. According to Sharon Whiterabbit, Ho-Chunk Nation, a business consultant and internationally known rights advocate, the son she’d given up as a teen mother found her because he lost his social security number. To get a new one, he had to petition the courts for his original birth certificate and, using the information he found there, tracked her down.
Could something be done on a tribal level to keep adoption records open and available for those who want them? Whiterabbit asked the group. This summit was about solutions, as well as problems, and Fineday had an answer: “Tribes have a right to know their members, so we can demand the records. We’re not requesting, though. We’re demanding. At White Earth, we were successful with this tack in a couple of cases. When the [adoption] documents arrived, I got goose bumps.”
Carrie Imus, director of social services for and former chairwoman of the Hualapai Tribal Nation, suggested that tribes do pre-enrollment of children who are being adopted out, to ease their return.
According to Terry Cross, Seneca Nation of Indians and founder and executive director of the National Indian Child Welfare Association, nontribal child-welfare workers usually did not recognize the large support network that Native children enjoy: “In the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, children were removed from Indian families because auntie was taking care of them, and the system called that neglect. But it was simply a different cultural way of meeting the child’s needs. To this day, social workers who remove Native children don’t know what an Indian family is and what supports are available
in the extended family and tribe.”
Decades of stolen children caused unresolved personal and community-wide grief and high rates of alcoholism, suicide and other social ills that stalk individuals and tribes to this day. “It took me years to realize nothing was wrong with me and the response I had to the trauma I’d experienced as an adoptee,” said Sandra Davidson, White Earth Band of Ojibwe and a program manager for Praxis International, a nonprofit dedicated to eliminating violence toward women and children.
Often referred to as “historical trauma,” the pain can’t be cured with quick-fix programs, said Cross. “In Canada, we looked at places where suicide is the highest, and it’s where the culture is most broken down,” he said. “In such cases, do you start suicide-prevention programs, or do you restore balance in the community through more self-governance? I have found that unless you change a community systemically, you can’t affect the symptoms of imbalance, such as suicide.”
Linear thinking—see a problem, apply a solution—is ineffective, he added. “Mainstream society’s services are so fractured. Medical doctors get the body, psychologists get the mind, judges get the social context, and clergy get the spirit. But, in fact, we are all whole people, and real solutions have to address that.”
Cross pointed to the sweat lodge as a way of caring for the whole person. “It’s done in groups and includes teachers, stories and protocols for how to conduct oneself, which relate to the social context,” he said. “You sweat, and you experience aromatic herbs, which heal the body; you participate in prayers and songs, which are in the realm of spirit; and when you come out, you feel better and have moments of clarity that are aspects of mind.”
That type of healing is required for entire communities, as well as for individuals, and is a part of what Cross called the “remembering” of indigenous cultures. Colonization has pulled indigenous cultures apart worldwide, as colonizers have taken land and resources. “They also usurp sovereignty and attack spirituality,” he said. “The last item is removal of children to educate them in the language and worldview of the colonizer. Now, though, we Native people are remembering our traditions and remembering our communities. We’re healing from within.”
The adoptees’ stories must be articulated so they can heal, so their communities can be restored, and so the experiences can help remedy Indian country’s ongoing child-welfare crisis, said White Hawk. The percentage of Native children cared for outside the home remains disproportionately high across the nation, despite the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), a 1978 law that sought to ameliorate the situation—but has yet to do so. In Alaska, Native children make up 18 percent of the child population but 55 percent of the children in foster care; in South Dakota, Indian kids are 15 percent of the state’s youngsters, but 53 percent of those in foster care. Other states topping the list for skewed numbers include Minnesota—where the overrepresentation of Native kids in foster care increased substantially from 2004 to 2009—Montana, Nebraska and North Dakota.
Another summit attendee, Gina Jackson, Te-Moak Tribe of Western Shoshone Indians, is educating judges through a model-court program of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, in Nevada. The program helps jurists understand ICWA and relevant best practices. “We’ve signed up 66 jurisdictions and will help them work for compliance,” she said.
Education of the judiciary is crucial, said Arizona state judge Kathleen Quigley: “ICWA cases are not the bulk of a judge’s work, so many are not familiar with the law.” And the concept of the “active efforts” needed under ICWA to find and notify a child’s tribe of a possible removal from the family is not dealt with sufficiently in case law, she said.
“At this meeting, it has been critical for me to hear from folks who’ve been in the system and to understand how being taken from their families and communities affected their lives,” Jackson said. “I want everyone who works with kids and families to hear these voices.” Michael Petoskey, Grand Traverse Band of Ottawa and Chippewa Indians and chief judge of the Pokagon Band of Potawatomi Indians, agreed. “Thank you for sharing your stories,” he told the survivors of the adoption era. “We judges may underestimate the impact on people’s lives when we terminate parental rights.”
“Your saying that is medicine for those of us who’ve been through this,” White Hawk responded. Going forward, the repatriation institute will work to affect policy and will organize a day of prayer and healing for Friday, November 2, 2012. “We’re hoping to have events at state capitols nationwide,” said George McCauley, Omaha, head of the Institute’s board of directors.
Jerry Dearly, the renowned Oglala Lakota storyteller and educator who serves as White Hawk’s advisor, informed the group that healing is about identity, understood on a profound level. “You have to find out who you really are, who you really were,” he said. “Go to a quiet place where it’s just you and the Creator. All of us are beautiful, but you have to believe in yourself.”
“Now I have cancer and am waiting for an operation,” St. John told the summit. “But I believe in myself, and I can survive anything.”
Read more:http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2011/12/06/exposing-and-repairing-the-devastation-caused-by-the-indian-adoption-project-65966 http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2011/12/06/exposing-and-repairing-the-devastation-caused-by-the-indian-adoption-project-65966#ixzz1fmoTlQPf
[And each story like this one will finally change this devastating history... I will be posting more on this after the holiday season ends... Megwetch everyone...Trace]
By Stephanie Woodard
Indian Country Today Media (http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2011/12/06/exposing-and-repairing-the-devastation-caused-by-the-indian-adoption-project-65966)
December 6, 2011

St. John, snatched from his family when he was 4, says he was raised without his culture.
- Read More:

White Hawk says courts demand quality research.

Cross says child-welfare workers too often ignore the large support network for Native children.
“I’m more than glad to tell you I’m pissed off,” continued St. John, a 49-year-old truck driver with dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. “I was the youngest of 16 children, grabbed at the age of 4, along with three older brothers—no paperwork, nothing. The other kids in the family escaped because they took off.” Soon, St. John and his siblings ended up in New York City at Thanksgiving time. The year was 1966: “We were on the front page of the newspaper, along with lots of good talk about the holiday and adoption. We were brought up without our culture, which took a terrible toll on our lives. I grew up angry and miserable.”
St. John’s experience was replicated all over Indian country in the mid-to-late 20th century. The boarding-school era that had begun in the late 1800s was winding down and the abusive residential schools set up to isolate and assimilate Native children were being closed down or turned over to the tribes, a process that was largely completed by the 1970s. Meanwhile, another means of separating Native children from their communities was gathering steam.
The Indian Adoption Project was a federal program that acquired Indian children from 1958 to 1967 with the help of the prestigious Child Welfare League of America; a successor organization, the Adoption Resource Exchange of North America, functioned from 1966 until the early 1970s. Churches were also involved. In the Southwest, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints took thousands of Navajo children to live in Mormon homes and work on Mormon farms, and the Catholic Church and other Christian denominations swept many more Indian youngsters into residential institutions they ran nationwide, from which some children were then fostered or adopted out. As many as one third of Indian children were separated from their families between 1941 and 1967, according to a 1976 report by the Association on American Indian Affairs.
“People have heard of the boarding-school era and know it was bad, but they don’t know our adoption era even exists,” said White Hawk, who was taken from her family on the Rosebud reservation as a toddler in the mid-1950s. “A few small studies of adult adoptees have been done, and we’re just learning how to talk about what happened. We need think tanks and conferences and scientific research to explore what occurred and how it affected us.”
Then, White Hawk said, that information can inform current Indian child-welfare cases. “When experts take the stand to testify in a child-welfare hearing [about placement of a child or termination of parental rights, for example], they need academic backup to explain the relationship between, for example, suicide and being disconnected from your culture,” she explained. “The courts want Ph.D.-level research to back up what we tell them.”
A paper by Carol Locust, Cherokee, describes Native adoptees suffering from what she calls Split Feather Syndrome—the damage caused by loss of tribal identity and growing up “different” in an inhospitable world. Lost Bird is another term researchers have used to refer to the group, recalling one of the earliest Indian adoptees. A Lakota infant who survived the 1890 massacre at Wounded Knee sheltered by the frozen corpse of her mother was claimed as a war trophy by a general who named her Lost Bird, according to her biographer, Renée Sansome Flood in Lost Bird of Wounded Knee.
Thanks to copious newspaper coverage of the massacre and its aftermath, Lost Bird became her generation’s celebrity adoptee, but fame did not save her from a fate that was a harbinger for too many Native children. She endured intolerance and isolation, and when she rebelled as a teenager, was shipped back to her birth family, where she no longer fit in. After a stint in Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show and the loss of three children—two died and she gave away the third, according to Flood—Lost Bird was felled by influenza in 1920, at the age of 30. “Throughout her life of prejudice, exploitation, poverty, misunderstanding and disease, she never gave up hope that one day she would find out where she really belonged,” Flood wrote.
At the summits and other events White Hawk has organized or spoken at since 2003, modern-day adoptees have recounted their dramatic life journeys, sometimes for the first time. “The stories vary from the most abusive to the most beautiful, but that’s not the point,” she said. “Even in loving families, Native adoptees live without a sense of who they are. Love doesn’t provide identity.”
“I never felt sorry for myself,” said St. John, “but if I ever got hurt, it wounded me to my soul, because I felt no one was there for me.” In recent years, he has found his birth mother and connected emotionally with his adoptive parents. “They were so young, in their 20s, when a priest convinced them to adopt four Sioux boys from South Dakota. It was too much—for all of us.”
During the adoption era almost any issue—from minor to serious—could precipitate the loss of an Indian child. Two Native people interviewed prior to the summit said they were separated from their families after hospital stays as young children, one for a rash, the other for tuberculosis. A third was seized at his baby-sitter’s home; when his mother tried to rescue him, she was jailed, he said. A fourth recalled that he was taken after his father died, though his mother did not want to give him up. A fifth described being snatched, along with siblings, because his grandfather was a medicine man who wouldn’t give up his traditional ways. As in St. John’s case, no home studies or comparable investigations appear to have been done to support the removals. “Indians had no way to stop white people from taking their kids,” said yet another interviewee. “We had no rights.”
Eighty-five percent of the Native children removed from their families from 1941 to 1967 were placed in non-Indian homes or institutions, said the Association on American Indian Affairs report. The aim, said White Hawk, was assimilation and extinction of the tribes as entities, as their younger generations were removed, year after year—just as it had been with the boarding schools.
“We can’t be afraid to use words like genocide,” said summit participant Anita Fineday, White Earth Band of Ojibwe, managing director of Casey Family Programs’ Indian child-welfare programs and a former chief judge at White Earth Tribal Nation. “The endgame, the official federal policy, was that the tribes wouldn’t exist.”
As Native adoptees struggle to recover their identities, some have trouble accessing their original birth certificates. Many states seal adoption records to protect the confidentiality of the process. “In a state that does this, you have to be a detective to find out where you’re from,” said White Hawk.
Or lucky. According to Sharon Whiterabbit, Ho-Chunk Nation, a business consultant and internationally known rights advocate, the son she’d given up as a teen mother found her because he lost his social security number. To get a new one, he had to petition the courts for his original birth certificate and, using the information he found there, tracked her down.
Could something be done on a tribal level to keep adoption records open and available for those who want them? Whiterabbit asked the group. This summit was about solutions, as well as problems, and Fineday had an answer: “Tribes have a right to know their members, so we can demand the records. We’re not requesting, though. We’re demanding. At White Earth, we were successful with this tack in a couple of cases. When the [adoption] documents arrived, I got goose bumps.”
Carrie Imus, director of social services for and former chairwoman of the Hualapai Tribal Nation, suggested that tribes do pre-enrollment of children who are being adopted out, to ease their return.
According to Terry Cross, Seneca Nation of Indians and founder and executive director of the National Indian Child Welfare Association, nontribal child-welfare workers usually did not recognize the large support network that Native children enjoy: “In the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s, children were removed from Indian families because auntie was taking care of them, and the system called that neglect. But it was simply a different cultural way of meeting the child’s needs. To this day, social workers who remove Native children don’t know what an Indian family is and what supports are available
in the extended family and tribe.”
Decades of stolen children caused unresolved personal and community-wide grief and high rates of alcoholism, suicide and other social ills that stalk individuals and tribes to this day. “It took me years to realize nothing was wrong with me and the response I had to the trauma I’d experienced as an adoptee,” said Sandra Davidson, White Earth Band of Ojibwe and a program manager for Praxis International, a nonprofit dedicated to eliminating violence toward women and children.
Often referred to as “historical trauma,” the pain can’t be cured with quick-fix programs, said Cross. “In Canada, we looked at places where suicide is the highest, and it’s where the culture is most broken down,” he said. “In such cases, do you start suicide-prevention programs, or do you restore balance in the community through more self-governance? I have found that unless you change a community systemically, you can’t affect the symptoms of imbalance, such as suicide.”
Linear thinking—see a problem, apply a solution—is ineffective, he added. “Mainstream society’s services are so fractured. Medical doctors get the body, psychologists get the mind, judges get the social context, and clergy get the spirit. But, in fact, we are all whole people, and real solutions have to address that.”
Cross pointed to the sweat lodge as a way of caring for the whole person. “It’s done in groups and includes teachers, stories and protocols for how to conduct oneself, which relate to the social context,” he said. “You sweat, and you experience aromatic herbs, which heal the body; you participate in prayers and songs, which are in the realm of spirit; and when you come out, you feel better and have moments of clarity that are aspects of mind.”
That type of healing is required for entire communities, as well as for individuals, and is a part of what Cross called the “remembering” of indigenous cultures. Colonization has pulled indigenous cultures apart worldwide, as colonizers have taken land and resources. “They also usurp sovereignty and attack spirituality,” he said. “The last item is removal of children to educate them in the language and worldview of the colonizer. Now, though, we Native people are remembering our traditions and remembering our communities. We’re healing from within.”
The adoptees’ stories must be articulated so they can heal, so their communities can be restored, and so the experiences can help remedy Indian country’s ongoing child-welfare crisis, said White Hawk. The percentage of Native children cared for outside the home remains disproportionately high across the nation, despite the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA), a 1978 law that sought to ameliorate the situation—but has yet to do so. In Alaska, Native children make up 18 percent of the child population but 55 percent of the children in foster care; in South Dakota, Indian kids are 15 percent of the state’s youngsters, but 53 percent of those in foster care. Other states topping the list for skewed numbers include Minnesota—where the overrepresentation of Native kids in foster care increased substantially from 2004 to 2009—Montana, Nebraska and North Dakota.
Another summit attendee, Gina Jackson, Te-Moak Tribe of Western Shoshone Indians, is educating judges through a model-court program of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges, in Nevada. The program helps jurists understand ICWA and relevant best practices. “We’ve signed up 66 jurisdictions and will help them work for compliance,” she said.
Education of the judiciary is crucial, said Arizona state judge Kathleen Quigley: “ICWA cases are not the bulk of a judge’s work, so many are not familiar with the law.” And the concept of the “active efforts” needed under ICWA to find and notify a child’s tribe of a possible removal from the family is not dealt with sufficiently in case law, she said.
“At this meeting, it has been critical for me to hear from folks who’ve been in the system and to understand how being taken from their families and communities affected their lives,” Jackson said. “I want everyone who works with kids and families to hear these voices.” Michael Petoskey, Grand Traverse Band of Ottawa and Chippewa Indians and chief judge of the Pokagon Band of Potawatomi Indians, agreed. “Thank you for sharing your stories,” he told the survivors of the adoption era. “We judges may underestimate the impact on people’s lives when we terminate parental rights.”
“Your saying that is medicine for those of us who’ve been through this,” White Hawk responded. Going forward, the repatriation institute will work to affect policy and will organize a day of prayer and healing for Friday, November 2, 2012. “We’re hoping to have events at state capitols nationwide,” said George McCauley, Omaha, head of the Institute’s board of directors.
Jerry Dearly, the renowned Oglala Lakota storyteller and educator who serves as White Hawk’s advisor, informed the group that healing is about identity, understood on a profound level. “You have to find out who you really are, who you really were,” he said. “Go to a quiet place where it’s just you and the Creator. All of us are beautiful, but you have to believe in yourself.”
“Now I have cancer and am waiting for an operation,” St. John told the summit. “But I believe in myself, and I can survive anything.”
Read more:http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2011/12/06/exposing-and-repairing-the-devastation-caused-by-the-indian-adoption-project-65966 http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2011/12/06/exposing-and-repairing-the-devastation-caused-by-the-indian-adoption-project-65966#ixzz1fmoTlQPf
[And each story like this one will finally change this devastating history... I will be posting more on this after the holiday season ends... Megwetch everyone...Trace]
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NEWS and UPDATES from Trace
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| Ellowyn's Lakota doll |
Experts say you need to ASK your readers to "Like" your Facebook page - so please visit my book page: https://www.facebook.com/trace.a.demeyer#!/Splitfeathers - and I ask you to please click LIKE. I thank you for this.
"Like" helps with Google rankings and will help others find this blog, this history and me.
On average I hear from three new adoptees each week. That is good. That was and is my prayer. That is why I am a journalist who blogs about adoption news and being adopted. I will help anyone who contacts me and I will get them the help they need if I cannot do it myself.
I have been working all year on a brand new second edition of ONE SMALL SACRIFICE and it should be out in a few weeks. It's the same book with a few more chapters. It has two prefaces, four major chapters and an epilogue. Also, there is a new WARNING to readers that this is NOT a chronology but written as I was learning and remembering my own childhood and doing the search for my family. My book has Indian history born of pain and experience, history you won't read in newspapers or mentioned in North American classrooms.
One of the best comments I hear is I did a lot of research. Yes, indeed. Over five years and counting and I am still learning.
Book 2: SPLIT FEATHERS: TWO WORLDS is ready and we are looking for a publisher. This new anthology goes further and tells individual adoptee stories, in their own words. This book will change hearts and exposes more of our history! I will let you know when we do get it published.
The ultimate goal of this blog is to find new adoptees (Lost Children of the Indian Adoption Projects) and to have a group of adoptees testify before Congress to expose how we were adopted and erased from our tribal nations - deliberately. Some of us were physically and sexually abused (YES) and in many states we are STILL denied access to adoption records so we cannot go home to our tribes and families.
A few days ago I made a new relative in South Dakota, Evelyn Red Lodge, also an adoptee and a journalist at Native Sun News. Evelyn is working to make these hearings happen, in the not-too-distant future. She helped NPR do their three-part investigation (posted on this blog in November) which made headlines across the globe.
Adoptees like Evelyn and Sandy White Hawk at First Nations Orphans Association are rewriting history and helping others to heal with their activism. Here is a link to Evelyn's story on Indianz.com: http://64.38.12.138/News/2011/003731.asp
Evelyn is helping to organize a rally for residents in South Dakota to stop the adoptions of Indian children in her state. More happen each day, in violation of the Indian Child Welfare Act. 32 states are in violation of the Indian Child Welfare Act, according to recent NRP reports.
As I wrote on this blog, our goverments in North American made us orphans and sealed our records so we'd disappear completely. But they can't erase our blood or our memory.
If erasure was the intention of the Indian Adoption Projects - to separate families and ensure adoptees would lose contact with their tribal relatives - in many ways they succeeded.
Now, today, our major task is to expose this attempted ethnic cleansing and rejoin our families and our nations.
Until all adoption records are open, in particular the Indian Adoption Projects and Indian Programs, conducted secretly in many states, I will not rest.
And neither should you...
Trace A. DeMeyer
Read more about First Nations Orphans Association here: http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/fnoa/
Sandy White Hawk is writing her biography now.
I will be back after the holidays...Blessings to everyone...Happy New Year 2012...
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Monday, December 5, 2011
Dark side of adoption: 'Steve Jobs' and 'Blue Nights'
'Steve Jobs' and 'Blue Nights' Reveal Dark Side of Adoption
By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES
ABC News – Wed, Nov 23, 201
(ABC News) http://news.yahoo.com/steve-jobs-blue-nights-reveal-dark-side-adoption-125404247.html
Quintana Roo Dunne, the adopted daughter of writer Joan Didion, had frequent nightmares about "The Broken Man" -- an evil repair man in a blue shirt with a L.A. Dodgers cap and "really shiny shoes" who told her in a deep voice, "I'm going to lock you here in the garage."
"She described so often and with such troubling specificity that I was frequently moved to check for him on the terrace outside her second-floor windows," wrote Didion, 76, mourning the death of her daughter in the memoir "Blue Nights."
Quintana died of acute pancreatitis in 2005 at the age of 39, only two years after the death of her adoptive father, writer John Gregory Dunne, who was the subject of "A Year of Magical Thinking."
Didion agonizes about her parenting and Quintana's recurrent fear of abandonment and a failed reunion with her biological family. "Adoption," Didion writes. "I was to learn, though not immediately, is hard to get right."
Such fear also haunted Apple founder Steve Jobs, who died last month at the age of 56. In numerous interviews with family, friends and lovers, biographer Walter Isaacson unveiled the dark side of adoption in his life.
Jobs ultimately formed strong bonds with his sister, author Mona Simpson, but he refused to meet his biological father, despite the lifelong sense of loss.
More than 1.5 million Americans are adopted, about 2 percent of all children, according to the New York City-based Evan B. Donaldson Institute for Adoption.
Both bestsellers, "Blue Nights" and "Steve Jobs," expose an unspoken truth in the adoption world: Fear of abandonment is universal.
"Attachment and abandonment issues are part of every adoption. It's just a matter of how much," said Marlou Russell, a Santa Monica, Calif., psychologist who works with adoptive families. She, too, was adopted.
"In the best-case scenario, everyone is on board," she said of adoption. "But you cannot separate a child from its mother without an impact. There is always an impact."
Parents of an earlier generation told their children, "You're adopted and you were chosen and very special," said Russell, who is author of the 2002 book, "Adoption Wisdom."
"The problem with that," she said, "is that, "If my adopted parents chose me that means there was someone else who didn't choose me.'"
Such was the thinking of young Quintana Roo Dunne, according to her mother's account in "Blue Nights."
When her beautiful little girl was born at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica in 1966, friends told Didion, "You couldn't possibly tell her."
Many viewed adoption as "obscurely shameful, a secret to be kept at all cost," according to the author.
But Didion said they never thought to do otherwise. "What were the alternatives?" she writes. "Lie to her? Leave it to her agent to take her to lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel?"
Quintana was baffled by their explanation that she was "chosen," according to her mother: "What if you hadn't answered the phone when Dr. Watson called?" or "What if you hadn't been home, what if you couldn't meet him at the hospital, what if there'd been an accident on the freeway, what would happen to me then?"
Psychologist Russell said she advises adoptive parents to say, "Your birth parents were unable to take care of you at that time and that covers every situation, even if they go on to parent other children."
"When you get the story line that you were adopted because you were very loved, that sets up love to mean leaving, and you might leave them, too," she said. "I tell parents not to use love and money or poverty. ... If you are in Toys R Us and say you can't buy something because you can't afford it today, they might think you can pack your bags and go."
Quintana had a fascination with meeting her "other mother." She wondered what she looked like and when her father asked what she would do if she met her birth mother, the girl replied, "I'd put one arm around Mom and one arm around my other mommy and I'd say, 'Hello Mommies.'"
In 1988, a letter arrived from Quintana's full sister, who was one of two siblings born after their mother and father married. "They were "strangers," according to Didion, who "welcomed her as their long lost child."
A reunion was arranged, but it was a weekend of "willed excitement, determined camaraderie and resolute discovery," Didion writes. Soon, Quintana seemed distraught and "on the edge of tears" when her birth mother wanted to explain why she gave her baby up and kept calling.
Eventually, Quintana backed off from her newfound relatives, telling them it was "too much to handle" and "too much too soon" and she needed to "step back."
Her birth mother disconnected her phone and cut ties, Didion says. "She didn't want to be a burden."
The two sisters sent flowers when Quintana died.
Steve Jobs knew from a young age that he had been adopted and had a similarly conflicted relationship with his biological family.
When he was 31, his adoptive mother was dying of lung cancer and he peppered her with questions about his past. "When you and Dad got married, were you a virgin?" he reportedly asked her, according to his biography.
"It was hard for her to talk, but she forced a smile," Isaacson writes. "That's when she told him she had been married before to a man who never made it back from the war. She also filled in some of the details on how she and Paul Jobs came to adopt him."
In the early 1980s, Jobs had hired a detective to look for his birth mother, but found nothing. Until then, he had been hesitant to tell his parents about the search, afraid he would hurt their feelings. But when Clara Jobs died in 1986, he told his adoptive father, Paul Jobs, and began a search in earnest.
Jobs learned the name of his mother -- University of Wisconsin graduate student Joanne Schieble -- and through her the name of his sister. Mona Simpson was a full biological sibling, born after his mother married his biological father, Syrian academic Abdulfattah "John" Jandali.
Jandali left Jobs' biological mother and daughter when Simpson was 5 and she went on to remarry and divorce.
Jobs eventually arranged a reunion, hoping to tell his mother she had "done the right thing."
"I wanted to meet [her] mostly to see if she was OK and to thank her, because I'm glad I didn't end up as an abortion," he told Isaacson. "She was 23 and she went through a lot to have me."
Both mother and sister spent Christmases at Jobs' house, but his birth mother often burst into tears, telling him how much she loved him and apologizing for giving him up. "Don't worry," Jobs told her, according to his biographer. "I had a great childhood. I turned out OK."
Jobs said he was surprised at how much he and Simpson were alike. "As we got to know each other, we became really good friends and she was my family," he said. "I don't know what I'd do without her."
Still, he never took an interest in meeting Jandali. Jobs, then a wealthy man, worried about being blackmailed, but he also was angry that his father had left his family.
"He didn't treat me well," Jobs said. "I don't hold anything against him -- I'm, happy to be alive. But what bothered me most was that he didn't treat Mona well. He abandoned her."
Steve Jobs' decision to ignore his father's overtures was likely rooted in issues of control, according to psychologist Russell.
Even for a man as in control and successful as Jobs, adoption inevitably evokes "a lot of pain and heartbreak," she said.
"When adoption occurs, everyone is out of control," Russell said. "It's a crisis. Adoption doesn't happen when things are going well. Sometimes adoptees do not want to meet their birth parents and the bottom line for that is to be in control, not to meet someone who wants to meet you. The last bastion of power is to say, 'no.'"
But Jean Strauss, a Washington state filmmaker who for 30 years has chronicled the lives of adult adoptees in books and documentaries, argues the "secrets inherent in adoption are diminishing and disempowering."
Fostering open adoptions and allowing adoptees to freely learn about their identities is critical for psychological well-being. Strauss, herself, reconnected with her birth mother and an entire biological family when she was 35.
"Steve Jobs and Quintana Roo did have different experiences and choices regarding their birth parents," Strauss said, "but as the writer Betty Jean Lifton once said, 'It isn't what you find, but that you find it.'"
[Unless a psychologist is an adoptee, they can never truly know or understand what we go thru as adoptees... I wrote my memoir to help them "get" us...Trace]
By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES
ABC News – Wed, Nov 23, 201
(ABC News) http://news.yahoo.com/steve-jobs-blue-nights-reveal-dark-side-adoption-125404247.html
Quintana Roo Dunne, the adopted daughter of writer Joan Didion, had frequent nightmares about "The Broken Man" -- an evil repair man in a blue shirt with a L.A. Dodgers cap and "really shiny shoes" who told her in a deep voice, "I'm going to lock you here in the garage."
"She described so often and with such troubling specificity that I was frequently moved to check for him on the terrace outside her second-floor windows," wrote Didion, 76, mourning the death of her daughter in the memoir "Blue Nights."
Quintana died of acute pancreatitis in 2005 at the age of 39, only two years after the death of her adoptive father, writer John Gregory Dunne, who was the subject of "A Year of Magical Thinking."
Didion agonizes about her parenting and Quintana's recurrent fear of abandonment and a failed reunion with her biological family. "Adoption," Didion writes. "I was to learn, though not immediately, is hard to get right."
Such fear also haunted Apple founder Steve Jobs, who died last month at the age of 56. In numerous interviews with family, friends and lovers, biographer Walter Isaacson unveiled the dark side of adoption in his life.
Jobs ultimately formed strong bonds with his sister, author Mona Simpson, but he refused to meet his biological father, despite the lifelong sense of loss.
More than 1.5 million Americans are adopted, about 2 percent of all children, according to the New York City-based Evan B. Donaldson Institute for Adoption.
Both bestsellers, "Blue Nights" and "Steve Jobs," expose an unspoken truth in the adoption world: Fear of abandonment is universal.
"Attachment and abandonment issues are part of every adoption. It's just a matter of how much," said Marlou Russell, a Santa Monica, Calif., psychologist who works with adoptive families. She, too, was adopted.
"In the best-case scenario, everyone is on board," she said of adoption. "But you cannot separate a child from its mother without an impact. There is always an impact."
Parents of an earlier generation told their children, "You're adopted and you were chosen and very special," said Russell, who is author of the 2002 book, "Adoption Wisdom."
"The problem with that," she said, "is that, "If my adopted parents chose me that means there was someone else who didn't choose me.'"
Such was the thinking of young Quintana Roo Dunne, according to her mother's account in "Blue Nights."
When her beautiful little girl was born at St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica in 1966, friends told Didion, "You couldn't possibly tell her."
Many viewed adoption as "obscurely shameful, a secret to be kept at all cost," according to the author.
But Didion said they never thought to do otherwise. "What were the alternatives?" she writes. "Lie to her? Leave it to her agent to take her to lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel?"
Quintana was baffled by their explanation that she was "chosen," according to her mother: "What if you hadn't answered the phone when Dr. Watson called?" or "What if you hadn't been home, what if you couldn't meet him at the hospital, what if there'd been an accident on the freeway, what would happen to me then?"
Psychologist Russell said she advises adoptive parents to say, "Your birth parents were unable to take care of you at that time and that covers every situation, even if they go on to parent other children."
"When you get the story line that you were adopted because you were very loved, that sets up love to mean leaving, and you might leave them, too," she said. "I tell parents not to use love and money or poverty. ... If you are in Toys R Us and say you can't buy something because you can't afford it today, they might think you can pack your bags and go."
Quintana had a fascination with meeting her "other mother." She wondered what she looked like and when her father asked what she would do if she met her birth mother, the girl replied, "I'd put one arm around Mom and one arm around my other mommy and I'd say, 'Hello Mommies.'"
In 1988, a letter arrived from Quintana's full sister, who was one of two siblings born after their mother and father married. "They were "strangers," according to Didion, who "welcomed her as their long lost child."
A reunion was arranged, but it was a weekend of "willed excitement, determined camaraderie and resolute discovery," Didion writes. Soon, Quintana seemed distraught and "on the edge of tears" when her birth mother wanted to explain why she gave her baby up and kept calling.
Eventually, Quintana backed off from her newfound relatives, telling them it was "too much to handle" and "too much too soon" and she needed to "step back."
Her birth mother disconnected her phone and cut ties, Didion says. "She didn't want to be a burden."
The two sisters sent flowers when Quintana died.
Steve Jobs knew from a young age that he had been adopted and had a similarly conflicted relationship with his biological family.
When he was 31, his adoptive mother was dying of lung cancer and he peppered her with questions about his past. "When you and Dad got married, were you a virgin?" he reportedly asked her, according to his biography.
"It was hard for her to talk, but she forced a smile," Isaacson writes. "That's when she told him she had been married before to a man who never made it back from the war. She also filled in some of the details on how she and Paul Jobs came to adopt him."
In the early 1980s, Jobs had hired a detective to look for his birth mother, but found nothing. Until then, he had been hesitant to tell his parents about the search, afraid he would hurt their feelings. But when Clara Jobs died in 1986, he told his adoptive father, Paul Jobs, and began a search in earnest.
Jobs learned the name of his mother -- University of Wisconsin graduate student Joanne Schieble -- and through her the name of his sister. Mona Simpson was a full biological sibling, born after his mother married his biological father, Syrian academic Abdulfattah "John" Jandali.
Jandali left Jobs' biological mother and daughter when Simpson was 5 and she went on to remarry and divorce.
Jobs eventually arranged a reunion, hoping to tell his mother she had "done the right thing."
"I wanted to meet [her] mostly to see if she was OK and to thank her, because I'm glad I didn't end up as an abortion," he told Isaacson. "She was 23 and she went through a lot to have me."
Both mother and sister spent Christmases at Jobs' house, but his birth mother often burst into tears, telling him how much she loved him and apologizing for giving him up. "Don't worry," Jobs told her, according to his biographer. "I had a great childhood. I turned out OK."
Jobs said he was surprised at how much he and Simpson were alike. "As we got to know each other, we became really good friends and she was my family," he said. "I don't know what I'd do without her."
Still, he never took an interest in meeting Jandali. Jobs, then a wealthy man, worried about being blackmailed, but he also was angry that his father had left his family.
"He didn't treat me well," Jobs said. "I don't hold anything against him -- I'm, happy to be alive. But what bothered me most was that he didn't treat Mona well. He abandoned her."
Steve Jobs' decision to ignore his father's overtures was likely rooted in issues of control, according to psychologist Russell.
Even for a man as in control and successful as Jobs, adoption inevitably evokes "a lot of pain and heartbreak," she said.
"When adoption occurs, everyone is out of control," Russell said. "It's a crisis. Adoption doesn't happen when things are going well. Sometimes adoptees do not want to meet their birth parents and the bottom line for that is to be in control, not to meet someone who wants to meet you. The last bastion of power is to say, 'no.'"
But Jean Strauss, a Washington state filmmaker who for 30 years has chronicled the lives of adult adoptees in books and documentaries, argues the "secrets inherent in adoption are diminishing and disempowering."
Fostering open adoptions and allowing adoptees to freely learn about their identities is critical for psychological well-being. Strauss, herself, reconnected with her birth mother and an entire biological family when she was 35.
"Steve Jobs and Quintana Roo did have different experiences and choices regarding their birth parents," Strauss said, "but as the writer Betty Jean Lifton once said, 'It isn't what you find, but that you find it.'"
[Unless a psychologist is an adoptee, they can never truly know or understand what we go thru as adoptees... I wrote my memoir to help them "get" us...Trace]
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Sunday, December 4, 2011
Searching for Constancia Tibayon Hernandez
Please share my friend Mary Ann's story "Searching for Constancia Tibayon Hernandez" and share this link to her website. I pray newspapers will pick up the story, too!
If you can help my friend, if you know how to investigate, if you have friends in the Phillipines, please do try...
http://www.constanciatibayonhernandez.com/
If adoption records were finally opened and unsealed everywhere, so many families could reunite and hearts could heal...
If you can help my friend, if you know how to investigate, if you have friends in the Phillipines, please do try...
http://www.constanciatibayonhernandez.com/
If adoption records were finally opened and unsealed everywhere, so many families could reunite and hearts could heal...
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FIVE STAR review of One Small Sacrifice
Paula Benoit wrote:
One Small Sacrifice is a must read for anyone touched by adoption. I couldn't put this book down from the moment I started reading it. Trace DeMeyer has captured the heart and soul of life as an adoptee brought into a culture not originally her own. The importance of adoptees knowing who they are and where they come from is paramount to their mental, physical and spiritual wellness. She points out many reasons why people feel complete when they have their original identity, not just the identity given to them by their adopted parents. Millions of adult adoptees across the United States are without their original identity because of sealed birth certificates and Trace takes the readers along her journey to understanding who she is and where it all began for her.
(Paula Benoit, former State Senator in Maine, helped Maine unseal their adoption records) (see more great reviews on Amazon and Barnes and Noble!)
One Small Sacrifice is a must read for anyone touched by adoption. I couldn't put this book down from the moment I started reading it. Trace DeMeyer has captured the heart and soul of life as an adoptee brought into a culture not originally her own. The importance of adoptees knowing who they are and where they come from is paramount to their mental, physical and spiritual wellness. She points out many reasons why people feel complete when they have their original identity, not just the identity given to them by their adopted parents. Millions of adult adoptees across the United States are without their original identity because of sealed birth certificates and Trace takes the readers along her journey to understanding who she is and where it all began for her.
(Paula Benoit, former State Senator in Maine, helped Maine unseal their adoption records) (see more great reviews on Amazon and Barnes and Noble!)





